Barbie World (Baby Doll Series) Read online

  I hand her the bouquet of daisies I picked up from the gas station. It felt wrong just showing up empty handed with nothing but a ‘hello,’ you are my step-grandmother and you made my mom’s life a living hell. Do you know where I can find my real grandma, so I can get closure from a part of my life that never existed?’

  “Of course,” I let out the breath I was holding. Roe steps aside, inviting me in; I take another deep breath and step inside. The trailer is narrow with dark wood paneling on the walls. I can cross the whole thing with ten big steps. I stand in a living room where a large couch lines the side of the trailer and a TV blares MTV2 music videos.

  I take another attentive step forward and continue to explore my new surroundings. Is this where Momma grew up, in this small trailer with its wood paneled walls? Was she ever happy here or were her memories correct and filled with nothing other than hurt? Suddenly, I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Why did I come here? This is the woman that made her the way she is. That made her sick. That made her love the pills and liquor more than me and Everett.

  The lights of the TV disorient me and I feel light-headed. Please don’t let me pass out. I flop down onto a dark rocking chair, willing the room to still.

  “Hey, ya okay? Ya not gonna’ hurl are you?” Roe is watching me with cautiousness in her eyes.

  “I think I might have made a mistake. What am I doing here?” I say my thoughts out loud. Tears burning at the back of my throat.

  “I thought ya wanted to meet your step-grandma and the rest of your family?” Roe looks annoyed again.

  “The rest of my family?”

  “Yeah, didn’t you know? I am guessing you are Aunt Ashley’s daughter since Daddy only had one sister…” She looks at me like she is speaking to a dumb little kid and I feel like one.

  “My mother had a brother?”

  She rolls her eyes. “A twin.”

  “A twin,” I repeat, trying to process this new piece of information. Roe walks over to a dusty shelf and plucks a small, gold frame off it before shoving it under my nose. It is a picture of my mother. She looks to be my age with her long, mousey brown hair shinning against the sun. She is free of the wrinkles that flank her eyes now and the dark purple circles are gone. She is sitting on the stairs that I climbed to get here, but there is a guy that wears her face, he has his arms around her. They are laughing at something my uncle has said. My uncle. I have an uncle. A family. I was not alone like I thought. Why did Momma keep this from me? Why didn’t she tell me the truth? We could have been happy.

  “What’s his name?” I choke against the tears that threaten to spill now for a different reason. I could have had a family all this time. I didn’t have to go through what I went through alone. What if all those nights that I ran to a neighbors, I could have been running into the arms of an uncle.

  “My daddy?” Roe asks and I nod my head. It feels too heavy on my shoulders as it bobs around. “Adam,” she says, a sadness filling her small face. “He died,” she adds.

  A weight settles onto my chest at the news and I silently mourn an uncle I never met. “Oh, when you said family, I assumed… “ I trail off.

  “I meant my asshole, older brother, Ryker,” she says.

  The trailer door swings open and it is suddenly filled with people, teenage boys to be exact. They walk right passed me, not noticing me in the corner, clutching the picture to my chest.

  “Y’all mind.” Roe kicks one of the boy’s feet off a table they just propped them on. “We have company.” She rolls her eyes and walks towards the oldest boy with a shaved head. “Her name is Barbie. She’s Aunt Ashley’s daughter.” She smiles as the boy’s eyes go wide.

  His hand stills; he is in the midst of shoving a sandwich in his mouth. “Out.” He points to the door dropping the sandwich to the counter.

  “What? Nana is making chili and she invited us,” one of the younger looking boys whines.

  “Out, now,” he demands again before turning to Roe. “Does Grans know?” She shakes her head no, her black curls bouncing around her. Okay, so I have another cousin and he is kind of intense. “Out,” he commands again, grabbing one of the kids by the scruff of his neck and pushing him towards the door.

  “Okay, man, I am going, I am going. No need to be all rough with me.”

  Once the house is cleared, Ryker drops to the couch and stares at me dumbfounded. I feel really weird. “Hi, I’m Barbie,” I offer him my name even though Roe had already told him.

  “Do you know how long my Grans has looked for your momma? We grew up hearing stories of our aunt Ashley.” He shakes his head.

  “I didn’t know.” The tears are back, threatening.

  “You never knew?” He scrubs his face. Roe looks back and forth between us.

  “She is looking for Josephine.” She sings. Roe goes and sits on the armrest of the couch next to Ryker.

  “What!” He sits up. “Why?” I am taken aback by his sudden shift in moods and the intensity of his stare. Damn, we look just fucking alike.

  “She is my grandmother!” I bristle.

  “Yeah, and she was a damn bitch that rode out on our parents.” I stand up. What right does this kid have to judge me?

  “But Roe said… “

  He lets out a sharp laugh. “She is a damn liar. She has been trying to find her for the last year in half. She thinks that she will actually give a damn about her dreams of becoming a country singer and help launch her into stardom. And you coming around is just stirring the thought she might find her, too.” My head is spinning as I try to process this new piece of information. No matter what, I need to find her. I came this far and I am not going to let anyone stop me. Not him or Roe. For once in my life, this is about me and no one else.

  “It is not just a dream Ry, I can sing, that talent man that came to town said with the right kind of coaching I can make it!” She hollers at him. He grabs her by her thin arm and starts to yell back at her. They both try to scream over the others words. I cringe as his big hand is wrapped tightly around her and her hair bounces wildly around her tiny tear streaked face.

  “Stop! Let her go!” I grab onto his arm. They both stop and blink at me as if they just realized I am in the room.

  “I don’t know anything about no singing career and I didn’t come to get her all riled up. I just need to find Josephine, now do you know where I can find her, or not?” I ask defensively. He lets go of Roe and spins towards me, he is big and try’s to us that to be intimidating, but little. Does he know I have taken on bigger? I square my shoulder at him ready for a fight. Finally he answers me.

  “No, and if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.” He crosses his arms across his chest.

  “Ry, tell her about Josephine,” Roe begs trying to help.

  I am in some weird standoff with two of my cousins that, just a few hours ago, I didn’t know existed. “I am not telling her a damn thing. She is supposedly our cousin that we don’t even know, to an aunt we don’t even know is still alive-” he throws his hands in the air.

  “She is alive.” Barely. I think about how my mother looked in that orange jumpsuit. So fragile, like she could break at any moment. I have to do this for her. I have to find the mother that gave her up and find out why. Maybe if my momma knew that her mother truly loved her, it will fix whatever is broken inside of her. What is broken in me? “Please, I need to find her. If you have any idea where she might be… please.”

  He looks me over and sighs. “If Grams finds out… “ He looks at Roe who looks as eager to hear this piece of information as I am. He takes another deep breath. “The last I heard was, she is playing at some club in Savannah. Now, don’t ask me what club, because I don’t know. Grams… Jewels keeps tabs on her. Every once in a while she will show up in a review in the Monroe Gazette, talking about how she is from here. What it never says is that she ran out on your momma and our daddy,” he finishes.

  I am feeling lightheaded. I need to
sit. “Do you mind?” I point to a chair. He shrugs like he could care less what the hell I do and I can’t blame him. I can’t imagine what is running through their heads. Maybe they have every reason to hate me. “I didn’t know my mother had a brother, if I knew… “ I would have what? If I knew I would have coming searching for them? Or did it have to take something as devastating as almost dying and losing my mother in the same night?

  He gives a dry laugh through his nose. “You would have what?” he challenges me.

  “I don’t know. I would have tried to come or something,” I say, feeling defensive. “Look, I didn’t know my mother had a brother, I didn’t know about any of you.” I look at Roe who has a strange gleam to her eye like she is enjoying this family rift with a family I knew nothing about.

  “Yeah, I bet.” He stands up, running a hand over his shaved head.

  “God, what is your problem?” I stand up, the strength returning to my legs.

  “The problem is that my dad searched high and low for your mother. Do you know he had cancer? Fucking cancer; that fucking killed him and the only thing he wanted before he died was to be reunited with his sister.” I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for them to watch something kill their father. Something that he had no control over. At least my mother had complete control over what was destroying her.

  “I am sorry. I wish I could have met him. I’m sure if my mother knew he was dying…” She would have gotten another bottle and snorted some more pills to numb it away.

  “She was too good to be in his life when he was healthy, what the fuck difference would it have made if he was fucking dying!” he screams at me.

  “I-” I try, but he cuts me off

  “You know what, fuck you!” he growls, stepping closer to me. I can feel the rage rolling off him in trundles.

  “That’s enough, Ry,” a lady says, walking into the room.

  She is older than I imagined. I always thought the woman to torment my mother would be younger, beautiful, evil, like all the step-mothers in any princess story. Where I believed there to be sharp features, I am surprised to find them soft and round. She has warm, hazel eyes and round, rosy cheeks. She wears no makeup, so all her wrinkles show, but they to seem soft, instead of deep and unforgiving. Her lines tell a story, not one that starts with the erosion of alcohol like my mother’s. She is short and well-fed, but not overweight, just soft in places. Her hair is dyed honey blonde with gray roots lining the top.

  I want to hate her so bad. I want to run at her, screaming and hitting her in those soft spots. I want to hit her until she falls to the ground, begging for my mother’s forgiveness. She comes and stands before me. I instantly feel small and weak, like a little, scared, lost kid.

  “Roe said we would be having company, but I was not expecting this.” She looks pointedly at Roe who is now hanging her head in shame. Anger swells in me, for my cousin who I just met. How dare she make her feel bad! Who is this lady to talk to my blood like that? If she hated my mother as much as my mother told me, I cannot fathom how she must have treated her brother. I want to stand in front of Roe and be a wall of protection from whatever hurt this lady has put her through.

  “I looked for your mother for a long time. Tell me, how is she?” She has a cold tone that I don’t like.

  “She is great!” I use the same tone back at her.

  “Forgive me for seeming cold. After Adam died, I had to give up that silly fantasy of having Ashley back home.” She sits down in a recliner.

  “Can you blame her,” I spit. It is out of my mouth before I can think about holding it in.

  “You don’t have any right to talk to her like that.” Ryker steps in front of me. That is it, blood or no blood, if he doesn’t get the hell out of my face, it is going to spill.

  “Ry, calm down. She doesn’t know the whole story.” She looks me over. “She doesn’t know anything.” I clench my fist at my side and glare at the old woman.

  “You don’t owe her anything!” He argues. The lady thinks on that for a moment. “No, she deserves to know the truth. That is, after all, what you are searching for? The truth?” Ryker slams his fist into the door and storms out.

  “Roe go make sure your brother cools off,” she says, looking at me.

  “But-” Roe protests.

  “Go on; go make sure he don’t go beats up on some poor soul.” For a second my heart constricts, Dylan. No, he can handle himself. I need to hear whatever lies this lady is going to spew.

  “Fine.” Roe stomps out the door, her cowboy boots clicking against the linoleum floor with each stomp.

  When it is just me and Jewel, she finely speaks again, “Why don’t you start. Tell me what you know, or think you know,” she patronizes me.

  “I know that you hated my mother. That you where cruel and mean to her.” I glare at her, my hands shaking.

  She gives a short laugh. “Is that what she told you?” I don’t answer her because she knows that it is the truth. “Your mother always had a way of embellishing the truth.” She takes a deep breath and she ages before my eyes. “Your mother was just a little girl when I met her father. I fell for Adam and Ashley the moment I met them. They were the reason I married their father. He was a drunk. I learned that soon after we started dating. I couldn’t imagine leaving those two little kids with an alcoholic, they had no one. No family. No mother. Nobody. It seemed like the more their father drank, the more your mother resented me.” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a cigarette.

  “I have been trying to quit, but this seems like a good enough time to start again.” She lights the cigarette and her tense stance relaxes as she inhales. “I sometimes thought that I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take one more night of him stumbling home. One more night of him trying to hit the children and me stepping in between them and his belt.” She wipes at her eyes as tears form in the corner of her eyes.

  “Did your momma tell you she tried to find her Josephine when she was sixteen?” I shake my head no. None of this is making sense. This is not what I knew to be the truth. Jewel continues, “Ashley ran away from home, determined to find her, but that woman wanted nothing to do with her, she turned her away on the streets. After that, she began to search for love. The love that I had for her, or what Adam had, was just not enough. It drove Adam crazy; he was taken downtown a few times for beating on her suitors. Then, she met your daddy, Adam’s best friend, and he was at a loss. He couldn’t beat up on him and chase him away because it was his best friend and your Momma truly loved him. When your daddy left, she was devastated. Soon after, she found out she was pregnant with you.”

  Jewel looks up at me, smiling through tears. “I was so happy for her. Yes, she was young, but I was going to be a grandma and we were going to have a new baby. She swore she was having a boy and when we found out you were a girl, I was so happy. I went down to the store and got her a little pink baby dress embroidered with little white daisies on it… Hold on I still have it.” She stands up, gesturing me to follow her. I try to process this as I walk down the hall. Is she lying to me? My mother told such a different story than the one that is being presented to me.

  Jewel digs in a small closet until she pulls out a shoe box. I notice that she has several shoe boxes. “I have one each for your mother and Adam, and one for each of my grandchildren,” she says when she notices me looking over her shoulder. I count the boxes; five.

  “You have another one,” I blurt. “I mean, I have a little brother… Everett.”

  She smiles at me and hands me a box. “Go on, open it.” I stare down at the box. It looks like a normal shoe box, but it could hold anything; a pair of shoes, photos, snakes, truth, lies. Whatever it is, it was saved for me. Someone cared enough to save something for me. Someone that didn’t even know me, so what does that mean? I peel the lid off the box.

  Inside, sits a tiny, pink dress with delicate, little, white flowers. I set the box on the bed and lift out the tiny dress. The fabric feels
like it might crumble in my hands. I set it aside and take out the next item in the box. It is a picture of me! Well, a picture of me before I was born. I am a blurry blob in the grainy photo with small, white letters spelling out GIRL.

  I set the photo down after staring at it for what seems like forever and take out the next item, another picture. It is a picture of a young man; he has dark, wavy hair brown and big, teal colored eyes. My eyes. I have never seen this man before in my life, but I know who he is.

  “My Father.” I hold the picture to my chest.

  She shakes her head yes. “You have his eyes.” She sighs and sits down on the bed and picks up the ultrasound of me. “I wish I had been there for you. I am sorry I was not. The only thing I can give you is the truth.” She takes a deep breath and continues, “When your mother left, I was devastated. I tried everything to find her, but she didn’t want to be found. Not long after that, we found out that Adam’s girlfriend was pregnant with Ryker, Adam needed me, too. I was so torn on what to do… maybe I should have tried to find her harder. I just don’t know.” I sit down next to her. What I knew to be the truth is not and this lady, I have been conditioned to hate, just gave me the whole story.

  “Thank you,” I say.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Yes, of course,” I say to her.

  “How is she? Ashley?”

  I tell Jewel everything. I cry at some point in the story. She cries at other points. I tell her about Everett. I tell her about Third and Roxie. I tell her about Dylan. I try to cram seventeen years into what seems like only minutes.

  “Well, it seems like you have some really good friends,” she says at the end.

  “Yeah, and they have been waiting outside this whole time for me. I probably should get going. They have been out there a long time,” I say, feeling guilty that not once did I think about them waiting on me. Truthfully, I forgot they were out there.

  “Oh, they could have come in. You all don’t have to leave so soon.” Jewel sounds desperate and I wonder if that is how she sounded when she learned my mother had left.