Barbie World (Baby Doll Series) Read online

  After Roxie and I successfully bleached my hair back as well as her bangs, I added a few strips of pink back to my hair with cool aid packs I found in the back of the cupboard. “Really, I don’t mind,” I reassure her with my own tight-lipped smile.

  She gives me back another tight-lip smile. “Well, it…it is…it is very nice.”

  I don’t want to seem ungrateful because I am grateful for what the Knights are doing for us, but I don’t belong with them. I never will. I am too different and Mrs. Knight knows that deep down, that is why she tried to change me. However, no amount of hair dye can change the rumors about me. I will never fit into their perfect cookie-cutter life.

  We sit down at the dinner table—an awkward experience for me—but the Knights insist on having at least one dinner together a week. Not only is the thought mind boggling to me that they like to eat together, it is also weird that I don’t have to think about how the food will appear on the table. My mother was on a strict liquid diet and food in the fridge was not a high priority for her. Dinner usually meant me snagging a few things from the gas station or coming up with something edible from what the church had dropped off to Mrs. Sophie.

  “So, kids, you have been out of school for what? A full week? Tell me how you are all planning to spend the rest of your time not lolly-gagging around.” Mr. Knight points his fork at me and then at Dylan.

  “Really, Dad, lolly-gagging?” Dylan says, rolling his eyes.

  “What’s lala gagging?” Emmy asks.

  “Lolly-gagging is what all the cool kids are saying,” Mr. Knight says, rubbing the top of Emmy’s head.

  “Yeah, maybe in the fifties.” Dylan smirks at me and I quickly look away. My heart leaps into my throat, I hate that he has that effect on me still.

  Dylan and I have an unspoken agreement; he does not speak to me and I pretend he doesn’t exist. It is easier that way. At first, I was so angry at him, I blamed him for everything. I blamed him for my mom getting picked up by the sheriff and I blamed him for my screwed up family being torn apart. It wasn’t his fault, though, and when the pain from my injuries started to subside, so did my anger. Now, I ignore him as a defense mechanism. If I allow myself to feel for Dylan what I am aching on the inside to feel, I don’t know what will happen. How will his parents react? What if they call the state and say it was a mistake taking us in? I will lose Everett for sure and that is something I cannot risk.

  “Barb?” Mr. Knight asks.

  I swallow the bite of ravioli in my mouth. “Well… Roxie and I were planning on getting summer jobs.” I stare at my food, pushing it back and forth with my fork.

  “Excellent. Dylan?”

  Dylan’s eyes are trained on his plate as well. “Katie and I—” Unable to control myself, I snort at her name.

  Dylan has spent every free moment with Katie and, when he is not out with her, she is always annoyingly here, making her presence known like today. Not that I am jealous. He should be with her, it is the right thing, but she is so freaking annoying. They both were made for each other.

  Once upon a time, I thought that Dylan and I could love each other, despite our differences, but I was wrong. Painfully wrong. No, I am happy they are together. I take another bite of my food and choke it down.

  Dylan ignores my irrational interruption and continues. “Katie signed us up for SAT Prep classes and I’m taking on a few extra lawns.” Dylan catches my eye and my breath hitches. This is why I hate him; he still affects me with just a look.

  I try my hardest to ignore the sudden flutter deep in my chest, the racing of my heart and the warmth that grows low in the pit of my stomach. I would much rather have the hurt that comes with him, it is much easier to deal with. I am used to pain, it is all too familiar. I remind myself that what we had can no longer be. It would never have worked out anyway, I say to myself. This time, maybe I will believe my own lies.

  “But you took them already and scored very well,” Mr. Knight says, shocked.

  “Yeah, well, as Katie says, there is always room for improvement,” he says with a forced happy tone to his voice. Mr. Knight shakes his head and I try to keep the smirk off my face. Trouble in paradise?

  “And Emmy what are your plans, young lady?” Mr. Knight smiles lovingly at Emmy, his youngest child.

  “Daddy,”—she rolls her eyes—”you know I have Ballet Intensive, and Everett is coming, too!” She kicks her ballet slipper, covered feet back and forth. The Knights are doing wonderful things for Everett; besides being in several therapy sessions for different reasons, he is learning how to sign with the whole family. He has also started to dance with Emmy at her dance class.

  “Is it that time of year again?” he teases her, scratching at his beard that Mrs. Knight has been on him to shave every time she catches him scratching at it.

  “Yes, it is, and Mrs. Sarah said that if I practice really hardly, I might get Clara in the Nutcracker.” She smiles her gapped-tooth smile at him.

  “It looks like everyone is going to be busy,” he says, pushing back from the table.

  “Now someone ask me what I will be doing this summer.” Mr. Knight’s brown eyes light up as he looks around the table. “Come on, someone ask.” He pokes Dylan in the arm.

  “What are you doing, Dad?” Dylan gives in and asks. He gives us a sly grin before producing two pieces of paper from behind his back.

  “Allen?” Mrs. Knight drops the pot she was holding back onto the stove. “Allen?” she says again, her voice cracking.

  “How did these get in my pocket?” He scratches his head. “It looks like they are two round trip tickets for four nights in the Bahamas! Who wants to accompany me? Dylan? Barb? Anyone?” He lays the tickets on the red mahogany table. “No takers? I could always ask Bill in accounting, he is looking a little pale these days.” He smiles mischievously.

  Mrs. Knight walks over to him, her eyes trained on the tickets in his hand. She is shaking like a leaf. He reaches out to her, pulling her down into his lap and she buries her head into the nook of his neck. All teasing is now put aside as he gazes lovingly at his wife. “Oh, Allen, are you sure we can afford this?”

  He kisses her cheek. “No, but we are doing it anyway.” He smiles.

  “Oh, Allen.” She kisses him.

  “Okay, your children are still in the room, trying to keep their dinner down,” Dylan groans.

  Mrs. Knight giggles and jumps to her feet. “I have so much to do. I will have to call my parents to see if the kids can stay with them. I don’t know if I can get off work, I’ll need to see,” Mrs. Knight says excitedly. “Shopping! I have to go shopping. I don’t have a thing to wear.” She claps her hands together and skips over to the phone like a little kid, “I have to call my mom.” She stops walking and looks over her shoulder at me. “Barbie will you go shopping with me?” she asks, her face is full of eagerness.

  I bite down on my bottom lip. She is so excited; how can I tell her no. How do I tell her that it brings up too much pain when she tries to mother me like this, a constant reminder of how my own mother did not want me. “Sure,” I say to her. She smiles at me and disappears around the corner, the phone once again attached to her ear.

  “You should have waited for the last minute before you told her, Dad. Now she is going to spend the next two weeks freaking out and over-analyzing every single little detail. You know that, right?” Dylan scolds his father.

  “And miss out on her fretting over it for the next two weeks? Never. That is one of the reasons I love her.” Mr. Knight abandons the table at the sound of Mrs. Knight’s excited squeals in the next room.

  Leaving us alone, I go back to staring at my plate and pushing the pasta back and forth with my fork. I try to look at everything and anyone other than Dylan, but I can feel his eyes burning into me. A heat radiates from them that is so intense; I can feel the flames from it licking at my skin. When I cannot take it anymore, I snap my head up. “What!” I try to glare at his warm, brown eyes, but they are turning
my insides into a puddle while an intense heat spreads down my legs. Geesh, all this from a look. I squeeze my legs together tighter, trying to make it go away, but it only intensifies the feeling.

  “Your hair looks pretty,” he says, popping ravioli in his mouth, smiling between eating. His smile is so alluring that I feel my own appearing on my face, I duck my head so he won’t notice.

  “Thanks,” I mumble, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

  He reaches across the table and lifts up a strip of pink hair. “Pink is my new favorite color.” I look up and his eyes catch mine, holding them. That burn and ever present ache for him to touch me is intensified. I lean closer, loving the feeling of his hands in my hair. I want to lean into his hand, exposing me for the liar I am.

  “PINK!” Emmy squeals. Both Dylan and I scoot back, forgetting we are not alone. “Pink is for girls, dweeb.” I smile at her and we both laugh.

  Dylan turns to Emmy. “Dweeb? Who taught you that word?” He stands up, scoops her up and puts her on his shoulders.

  “Chloe. She said that your brother is kind of a dweeb. Dylan, what’s a dweeb?”

  He reaches up and tickles her. “You’re a dweeb.” She laughs and swats at him with her small hands. I can’t help but smile at the interaction between them.

  I look over at Everett who is tracing shapes onto his placemat with his fingers. We will never have the same relationship that Emmy and Dylan have. I can’t help feeling a little bit of jealousy towards them because of it. I will never have a conversation or a fight with him; never hear the sound of his voice. What will happen to him when I am no longer around? He needs me. I know I will never be able to leave him.

  Next year, when I graduate, I will say goodbye to my friends and we will all head down different paths. Roxie has already been accepted to a college in Florida and one in Ohio. Even Third got accepted to a college. His mom is begging him to stay and go to a local college, but he, too, will soon leave. Then there’s Dylan… I shake the thought of him. Standing up and leaving, I cannot let this roller coaster of feelings for Dylan compromise why I am here. I am here for Evie and I can’t be careless with his safety.

  ###

  I stay at Roxie’s for the next few days, but after that, I am missing Everett like crazy, so I suck it up and go back to the house. It is late in afternoon when I come back to an empty house. I let out a sigh of relief. For now, I am not going to have to deal with seeing Dylan. He has been trying to talk to me since I walked in the Knight’s doors a few weeks ago.

  It feels like a life time ago.

  I know that he wants more from me, but I just cannot give him what he wants. He just doesn’t get it. Even if I wanted to, we cannot be together. He doesn’t have anything to lose, but I have everything. I kick off my boots by the front door and make my way to the kitchen. I’m starving. Roxie’s moms are great, but they have nothing except weird health food that tastes like cardboard in their fridge. I’m surprised Roxie isn’t rail thin, I mean I feel like I lost a few pounds eating that crap and it was only a few days.

  I take out some turkey and cheese to start making myself a sandwich. I still can’t get used to the fact that the fridge is always full. It’s like Mrs. Knight’s favorite pastime is going grocery shopping. I grab a bag of sour cream and onion chips, my sandwich, and a huge glass of coke before moving into the living room. I set my feast on the coffee table, prop up my feet, grab the remote and begin my search for something good to watch. A girl with a huge, neon pink wedding dress trimmed in lime green catches my attention. Grabbing a handful of chips, I get comfy and settle in watching a show called My Big Fat Gipsy Wedding.

  I am two episodes in and a seventeen year old bride—geesh—is bawling because she cannot fit into the limo when the phone rings. I ignore it like I normally do. This is not my house, so it just doesn’t feel like it is my place to answer the phone. It rings a couple more times before the answering machine picks it up.

  ”This is the Knights residence we cannot get to the phone at the moment, please leave a message,” Mrs. Knight’s cheerful voice says.

  “Hello Mr. and Mrs. Knight my name is Joan White, I work for New Leaf Counseling… “

  I am projected forward, my back rod straight. Shit. The Knights don’t know what happened with my last therapy session, and I would like to keep it that way. I was sure my diabolical plan to get out of going back had worked since I hadn’t heard back from Danny boy. I don’t need anyone to tell me how fucked up my life is, I already know. Shit, why can’t they just leave me alone?

  “I need to speak to you concerning Barbie Starr. If you could give me a call back…”

  I jump up, race to the kitchen, and yank the phone off the receiver. “Hello,” I shout into the phone. I can hear Mrs. White stumbling with the phone and I cringe at my hasty reaction.

  Mrs. White quickly recovers. “Hello, I was just leaving a message on the answering machine.” I don’t say anything and the silence hangs around us like a heavy weight. Finally she clears her throat. “Well then, I am Mrs. White from New Leaf Counseling services. I am calling about Barbie. Are you her?”

  “Yes, this is me.” I bite at my finger nail nervously. “Barbie, I just got off the phone with Mr. Monty and he feels that it would be in your best interest if I take over your sessions from here on out. When can I schedule you in?”

  “Well I am pretty busy…”

  “How about tomorrow at three o’ clock?”

  “Well…”

  “I could come over there instead. Tonight, if that would be more convenient for you. I would like to meet the family that you are staying with. It says here that they have two children, a girl and a boy. That must be nice, how are you getting along with let’s see… Dylan, I think that is his name. He is around your age, right?” she asks.

  “Three sounds great,” I say through gritted teeth.

  “Perfect,” she chimes cheerily into the phone. “I will see you soon then… and Barbie, wear a pair of pants when you come.”

  I don’t reply. I just hang up the phone and erase the message.

  ###

  I am back in another wood paneled room in the shortest skirt I have with the overly perky Mrs. White who does not stop smiling. She must prescribe herself some good meds. She has short, white hair cut into a bob with heavy bangs that set off her wide nose and she wears very little make up, if any. A purple, chunky, plastic necklace hangs from around her neck like a noose while she swims in a shiny black shirt and matching pants and a pair of tan Birkenstock’s cover her feet. She looks like she should be in counseling herself.

  Her office is littered in papers, small knickknacks and dusty picture frames that hold pictures of two, ugly, beagle dogs behind her desk. A tie-dyed poster with a huge, yellow, smiley face that says “Don’t worry, be happy” is taped up in the center of the room.

  The room has the faint smell of piss in it; I wrinkle my nose and watch as she thumbs through a pile of manila folders. “Ah, here we go, right at the bottom of the pile. One day, I have to get these filed away, but here is a secret about me, Barbie, I function better within the organized chaos. I once had an assistant who thought she was doing me a favor by organizing everything when I was out of town. God, she was an insufferable twit. It took me weeks after firing her to get to where I could find anything at all.”

  I sigh. I know what she is trying to do. She is telling me something about herself so that I will feel comfortable enough to share with her, trying to show me she is human with her quirkiness for being unorganized, and attempting to make a friend. Well, I find her annoying and kind of a bitch for firing her assistant. Nothing she does will make me share with her.

  “I think it looks like a shit hole in here.” I smile, and she burst out laughing; a rumbling laugh from deep inside of her, she even snorts.

  “You are right God; she is going to be annoying. I am now regretting chasing off poor Monty. At least with him I could control the situation. This one is going to be a hard nu
t to crack. I stare at her while she tries to get herself under control. Taking a deep breath she sighs. “Okay you have an hour with me. That is what is required by the state. An hour a week. Unless you feel you need more, I am here and here is my cell phone.” She reaches over the desk, her flabby arm jiggling as she tries to hand me the card. “You can contact me anytime that you feel like you need to talk.” I sigh and grab it, tucking it into the waistband of my skirt.

  “Your hour begins now.” She pushes a button on a stop watch and places it on the desk in front of me. I stare at the second’s racing down, but they are not fast enough. “Is there any subject you would like to touch on?” she asks after a few moments of silence.

  “Nope,” I reply.

  “Come on, there has to be something you need to get off your chest. You went through a lot this year; your mother being an addict, her boyfriend trying to kill you, and let’s not forget to mention the turbulent relationship you had with your boyfriend before he left you for that girl, Katie, I think it is.” She holds the file up to her nose.

  What the hell? How much shit does this lady know about my life? A red hot poker feels like it is being dragged through my veins and anger pulsates up my throat. Who gave her this information?

  “It cannot be easy living with him, seeing him with someone else. That has to hurt. Not to mention, seeing how a normal family functions, that’s got to really sting.” She makes one more jab before she puts the folder down and stares at me with beady, brown eyes. I want to scream at her as I jump up and punch her in the face, but I stay silent. “You should work with me. I have the power to dismiss you from further sessions.” She folds her hands and places them under her chin. “I will make you a deal. Two months. You give me two months. I ask the questions and you answer honestly. You do that and I will sign that paper that says no more.”